January 17, 2009, 11:16 PM
Supposed to go to a reunion dinner at my uncle's house this evening. yes, the uncle with the really awesome house that i wished i live in. but i got pissed off cuz my mum keeps expecting me to do every fucking thing she tells me just the way she likes it. like, when someone is at the door, she tells me to open it when she is so much nearer. same with the phone. and the list goes on. nor do i even get any fucking thanks. and today? i was using my com when she went like, jackie go shower and get ready. we are going to the reunion dinner. wtf. do i care about some stupid reunion dinner? cmon. she organizes so many fucking reunions through out the year. whats the point? sometimes i think that she tries too hard. and at these reunions? the adults drink and talk and blah blah blah and leave us "kids" to play with each other. hello? there is nothing to play with. what do you expect us to do? play catching? play twiddle our thumbs? play run and hide? screw that. we are freaking teenagers who are almost adults! not little kids! and while the "adults" are talking and all that shit that they do. we have to waste all the time till they are done. and sometimes it is so late that we have to stay over. wth. so right now? im at home. alone. just stoning(watching buffy) and feeling down. great right?
i feel like banging my head on the wall. i want to cry, i can't. i want to jump out of the window, or drown myself in the sink. i want to wash this pain away. i cant take it anymore. how could i be so stupid? how could i have trusted you? how could i have opened myself up to you? and you did this. of all the things you could have done, why this? every night, i can't sleep. i can't stop thinking. do you know how many goddamm times i lived through that scenario in my head, wishing i did something different? every night, baby. every fucking night. and now? it is over. so stay away. don't call me. don't talk to me. dont look at me with those eyes, hoping i will break down and cry. stay away.
